Military Wife Life Blogging

             Shattered heart. Over and over again, every time he leaves. He does not do it on purpose no but he doesn’t yet understand how it feels. How can I explain it to him? How can I make him see that when he leaves I know he isn’t leaving me but the mere thought of being by myself in this house with only furry creatures to talk to is devastating. No amount of engulfment in any activity subsides this damaged heart, it is not broken because he was mean. However, it is nonetheless so very broken. Nothing rectifies this feeling my belief in God even doesn’t seem to help. You would think that this time would be better because it would be just He and I, one on one. Yet even though this is so nothing consoles me.

                Friends of little existence. Once you move three thousand miles away you are pretty much about a million times more than that from their minds. While you know they are busy and have lives too it still doesn’t hurt any less. You think of them and call, text, write, whatever it takes but they rarely get back to you. Soon you stop trying. While you attempt to make new friends here it isn’t the same. People here are so very different, most so very naïve, and you find little in common with their alcohol consumed free time.

Here is a little insight into what it means to be a military wife. Most people think military wives are a bunch of cheaters who don’t care for their spouses. While this might be true for some, for the spouses that are actually faithful it is pure agony. If you have ever felt loneliness such as this you would never sign up to be the spouse of a military member. While it does shed a true light onto what your marriage really is made of it is nothing short of easy. You are away from your friends and family. It doesn’t get any lonelier than that. Family rarely comes to visit because of the cost and you can’t afford to see them often because of the same reasons.

Getting a job well yeah that sounds easy enough right? Wrong. No one wants to hire a military spouse because they know that they are tied to their husbands. Plus let’s add on all the different varied jobs you have done to the dictionary list of what is now your resume and it looks like you are a flake. They say spouses get spousal priority on base but that has yet to be seen. So what do you do? Go to school, take out loans, and hope you can get a job at the next place you are stationed. In the meantime you strive to do amazing at anything and luckily school is just the place, now if only they paid you to go to school right?

                While traveling seems marvelous, and yes I do actually enjoy traveling, moving is a different story. They break all your stuff…well maybe not all of it but the things that you worked and saved for to get; or those precious memories that cannot be replaced. Yes they do give you a monetary replacement but it isn’t the same. While each new home you live in is special because of the location and the sights you may visit, it still will not be your own. It is a rare occasion that your landlord will actually let you paint the walls, but that is a very very rare occasion. If you get such a generous landlord HOLD ON TO THEM! What I wouldn’t do to have paint on my walls for once other than white….a bit of color even if it was simply a cream color.

                Another realization that people need to be made aware of is that being a military spouse is NOTHING like Army Wives. The wives I have come across in the Navy while most are alright and for the most part nice the rest are downright cruel and evil. You thought high school was bad just wait until you have to deal with other military spouses, it is no cake walk. You move somewhere new and it is supposed to be a community but so far all I have seen is “what’s in it for me” types of people. Volunteering trying to deal with deployments was a big mistake. I was expected to do my part not thanked for what I did contribute and if I didn’t do it right I was scolded. The whole part of volunteering is to feel rewarded by helping others not feel like it is a job that you don’t get paid for with all the benefits of the nagging.

                Volunteering for the military didn’t pan out so what’s next? Then it was off to volunteer for something through the church. Yes finally people who have been nice and thankful for what you do. Not that you really are looking to be thanked but just anything other than being scolded like a chile. It seems volunteering for the church is much easier the only problem with that is the fact that you might not be here long. Before this church here we had been to four other churches and they were all wonderful and that is the worst part about it. The leaving. You get attached and then move shortly after you can’t make commitments to do things because let’s face it who knows how long you will really be in this place. You feel like you have let people down and you are sick of feeling this way for nothing you have actually done.

                I strive to be the best military spouse I can be but let’s face it that is no simple feat. My husband works insane shifts and to be honest I would kill to have a smidgen of normalcy. I am so sick of never knowing his schedule or him always working night shift. Sure other’s might squeak by on what they can so they can go home to their families, but not my husband he will stay there all night because that is what he is supposed to do. I am glad I have a man that is honorable in that sense but sometimes I wish that he would be like everyone else trying to get what needs to be done finished so that he can just come home and see me.

                 I guess the reason I am writing this is not to complain, although I do quite a bit of it, but to vent and bring to light the realizations I have come across. Throughout this whole military life journey we have been on it has been nothing of what I expected. While this is quite a refreshing bit of insight it still is tiresome, lonely, stressful, and aggravating.

 I love my husband more than life itself but I just don’t know if I’m cut out for this military wife thing. I strive to be the best wife I can be and sometimes it just doesn’t seem like I’m doing a good enough job. I want to be a mother and I can’t even do that right. I feel so close but so very vastly far away from my husband and it is difficult. This life is no cake walk and while I thought I could handle it at first, I am not sure if I knew what it really was like I would have agreed to go along with it all. We have been married five years this next February and we have maybe only been together half the time.

I know that I will be alright but it is just some nights get tremendous isolated and I’m so very exhausted of getting no sleep that I often think and wish someone would have let me know how it really was. I hope that this wasn’t super depressing and I hope I didn’t make anyone angry this is just how I have seen things. I strive to be an honest person and I try my hardest to be the best human being I can be. I attempt to be a caring, loving, and sensitive person to all but we are all human it isn’t always possible but I would like to think that I really try to do the right thing always. I hope that those who know, knew, and will know me will see this and know that I care for you as I would like to be cared for. While I have yet to meet the person that treats me like I treat others I am hoping one day I will so far there has only been one and I rarely see him. Bless you all and I hope this finds each of you well.