My Until Heaven List

 

1.       Get Diploma

2.       Marry the man of my dreams

3.       Take a cooking class

4.       Buy a brand new car

5.       Photograph something epic

6.       Visit Ireland

7.       Get Married(remarried) in a Castle

8.       Get my Bachelor’s Degree

9.       Get my Master’s Degree

10.   Have kids/adopt kids

11.   Own my own practice

12.   Buy a house

13.   Take a pottery class

14.   Visit all the States

15.   Dress up just for my Husband even if I am not going anywhere

16.   Go to Paris

17.   Own a business

18.   Buy really nice jewelry

19.   Have a study in our house

20.   Donate to a charitable cause

21.   Volunteer for something I believe in

22.   Help others throughout life

23.   Give to those who need it more

24.   Invest in the youth because they are our future

25.   Be altruistic

26.   See the Holy Land

27.   Visit Australia

28.   Renovate Something

29.   Create something spectacular

30.   Write a book

31.   Get another dog

32.   Do something spontaneous

33.   Have someone throw me a surprise party

34.   Lay in a field and star at the stars

35.   Climb a mountain

36.   Go hiking

37.   Workout more

38.   Learn to ski and snowboard

39.   Change someone’s life

40.   Keep in touch with those you love

41.   Read the Bible front to back

42.   Sing in front of an audience

43.   Learn a new language

44.   Have family reunions

45.   Go to a High School Reunion

46.   Own a horse and a barn

47.   Get more involved in church

48.   Grow old with my husband

49.   Have a romantic getaway with no technology

50.   Get my concealed carry license

51.   Spoil my nieces, nephews, & future grandchildren

52.   Love full heartedly no matter what

53.   Do more things that frighten me

54.   Be in two places at once & photograph it

55.   Have a pen pal

56.   Appreciate the opposites in people from you

57.   Always learn about new technology

58.   Never forget about records

59.   Find the perfect little black dress

60.   Learn to dance ie. Ballroom and swing

61.   Always appreciate all the my Husband does for me and our family

62.   Chop down our own Christmas tree

63.   Have a library in our house

64.   Teach our children the importance of family and traditions

65.   Appreciate friendships that once were but are no longer & learn from that season

66.   Horseback ride again

67.   See Italy

68.   Wear heels more often

69.   Admit when I am wrong and fess up to being wrong as well as apologize

70.   Teach something

71.   Always learn to laugh even when times are rough

72.   Cook something time consuming

73.   Travel as much as possible before I die

74.   Pay off any and all debt

75.   Appreciate my parents more

76.   Save money for a rainy day

77.   Be more trusting of others

78.   Blog more

79.   Use my imagination more and teach others to do so as well

80.   Design my dream home with my Husband

81.   Build my own office

82.   Make memories with new things

83.   Have a formal dinner party

84.   Go to a ball

85.   Get a will made

86.   Meet someone important

87.   Conquer my perfectionism

88.   Help someone on the side of the road if stranded

89.   Enjoy life all the good as well as a lot of the more frequent bad

90.   Become more environmentally conscious

91.   Eat healthier

92.   Visit all the sites of the US

93.   Get a passport

94.   Change a tire

95.   Don’t get mad at others when they change

96.   Go on a Cruise

97.   Share my life experiences with someone, everything

98.   Write sweet notes to my Husband to let him know I am thinking of him often

99.   Push myself further every day

100.                        Be myself Always.

Little pieces of me ♥

Irony at it's best: As a friend you are caring and willing to do anything for your friends. In pain and sickness you will help them because it is who you are. However, when the shoe is on the other foot there is no one to be found, excuses are made, lies are told, and in the end you are left with your God and your devoted other half. The nice thing to know is that it's all you need and even if one day that other half is gone your God will never be.

Pain & Suffering

Sometime I often ponder what is the point that God would put us through pain and suffering. These times, especially as of late, I question His purpose behind it all. However, during these times I pray to Him and ask for His help. I give my all to Him and yet I feel suffering in such ways. Yet I know this is not from my God this is evil work. Yet he does put us through these trials and tribulations for a reason. I can't wait until I find out what all these sufferings I've gone through are for. I am a helper of many, I know this is my purpose, yet I'm not quite sure why yet. Frustrating at times but it is in these moments that my faith helps guide me. Just thought I'd share a bit. So those going through similar situations as I please don't despair. There is a reason behind all things. Reminder of a lifetime :) May God be with you all.

Military Wife Life Blogging

             Shattered heart. Over and over again, every time he leaves. He does not do it on purpose no but he doesn’t yet understand how it feels. How can I explain it to him? How can I make him see that when he leaves I know he isn’t leaving me but the mere thought of being by myself in this house with only furry creatures to talk to is devastating. No amount of engulfment in any activity subsides this damaged heart, it is not broken because he was mean. However, it is nonetheless so very broken. Nothing rectifies this feeling my belief in God even doesn’t seem to help. You would think that this time would be better because it would be just He and I, one on one. Yet even though this is so nothing consoles me.

                Friends of little existence. Once you move three thousand miles away you are pretty much about a million times more than that from their minds. While you know they are busy and have lives too it still doesn’t hurt any less. You think of them and call, text, write, whatever it takes but they rarely get back to you. Soon you stop trying. While you attempt to make new friends here it isn’t the same. People here are so very different, most so very naïve, and you find little in common with their alcohol consumed free time.

Here is a little insight into what it means to be a military wife. Most people think military wives are a bunch of cheaters who don’t care for their spouses. While this might be true for some, for the spouses that are actually faithful it is pure agony. If you have ever felt loneliness such as this you would never sign up to be the spouse of a military member. While it does shed a true light onto what your marriage really is made of it is nothing short of easy. You are away from your friends and family. It doesn’t get any lonelier than that. Family rarely comes to visit because of the cost and you can’t afford to see them often because of the same reasons.

Getting a job well yeah that sounds easy enough right? Wrong. No one wants to hire a military spouse because they know that they are tied to their husbands. Plus let’s add on all the different varied jobs you have done to the dictionary list of what is now your resume and it looks like you are a flake. They say spouses get spousal priority on base but that has yet to be seen. So what do you do? Go to school, take out loans, and hope you can get a job at the next place you are stationed. In the meantime you strive to do amazing at anything and luckily school is just the place, now if only they paid you to go to school right?

                While traveling seems marvelous, and yes I do actually enjoy traveling, moving is a different story. They break all your stuff…well maybe not all of it but the things that you worked and saved for to get; or those precious memories that cannot be replaced. Yes they do give you a monetary replacement but it isn’t the same. While each new home you live in is special because of the location and the sights you may visit, it still will not be your own. It is a rare occasion that your landlord will actually let you paint the walls, but that is a very very rare occasion. If you get such a generous landlord HOLD ON TO THEM! What I wouldn’t do to have paint on my walls for once other than white….a bit of color even if it was simply a cream color.

                Another realization that people need to be made aware of is that being a military spouse is NOTHING like Army Wives. The wives I have come across in the Navy while most are alright and for the most part nice the rest are downright cruel and evil. You thought high school was bad just wait until you have to deal with other military spouses, it is no cake walk. You move somewhere new and it is supposed to be a community but so far all I have seen is “what’s in it for me” types of people. Volunteering trying to deal with deployments was a big mistake. I was expected to do my part not thanked for what I did contribute and if I didn’t do it right I was scolded. The whole part of volunteering is to feel rewarded by helping others not feel like it is a job that you don’t get paid for with all the benefits of the nagging.

                Volunteering for the military didn’t pan out so what’s next? Then it was off to volunteer for something through the church. Yes finally people who have been nice and thankful for what you do. Not that you really are looking to be thanked but just anything other than being scolded like a chile. It seems volunteering for the church is much easier the only problem with that is the fact that you might not be here long. Before this church here we had been to four other churches and they were all wonderful and that is the worst part about it. The leaving. You get attached and then move shortly after you can’t make commitments to do things because let’s face it who knows how long you will really be in this place. You feel like you have let people down and you are sick of feeling this way for nothing you have actually done.

                I strive to be the best military spouse I can be but let’s face it that is no simple feat. My husband works insane shifts and to be honest I would kill to have a smidgen of normalcy. I am so sick of never knowing his schedule or him always working night shift. Sure other’s might squeak by on what they can so they can go home to their families, but not my husband he will stay there all night because that is what he is supposed to do. I am glad I have a man that is honorable in that sense but sometimes I wish that he would be like everyone else trying to get what needs to be done finished so that he can just come home and see me.

                 I guess the reason I am writing this is not to complain, although I do quite a bit of it, but to vent and bring to light the realizations I have come across. Throughout this whole military life journey we have been on it has been nothing of what I expected. While this is quite a refreshing bit of insight it still is tiresome, lonely, stressful, and aggravating.

 I love my husband more than life itself but I just don’t know if I’m cut out for this military wife thing. I strive to be the best wife I can be and sometimes it just doesn’t seem like I’m doing a good enough job. I want to be a mother and I can’t even do that right. I feel so close but so very vastly far away from my husband and it is difficult. This life is no cake walk and while I thought I could handle it at first, I am not sure if I knew what it really was like I would have agreed to go along with it all. We have been married five years this next February and we have maybe only been together half the time.

I know that I will be alright but it is just some nights get tremendous isolated and I’m so very exhausted of getting no sleep that I often think and wish someone would have let me know how it really was. I hope that this wasn’t super depressing and I hope I didn’t make anyone angry this is just how I have seen things. I strive to be an honest person and I try my hardest to be the best human being I can be. I attempt to be a caring, loving, and sensitive person to all but we are all human it isn’t always possible but I would like to think that I really try to do the right thing always. I hope that those who know, knew, and will know me will see this and know that I care for you as I would like to be cared for. While I have yet to meet the person that treats me like I treat others I am hoping one day I will so far there has only been one and I rarely see him. Bless you all and I hope this finds each of you well.

 

Long dark road...

A woman driving lost in thought listening to the radio. She stopped at a red light waiting tediously for it to finally turn green as she drove towards home. Two cars in front, dragging to go, she wondered if they had been drinking. As she turned she saw a car. She heard it before she saw it, a Harley’s sweet purr, black and chromed out. It was gorgeous. Then she looked from the bike up. He was looking dead into her soul. His eyes pierced hers even from the distance between them. He was fair complected with blue eyes. How she knew they were blue she was unsure but certain. He had a sucker stick hanging out his mouth with blonde hair peeking out of his slick black helmet. It wasn't one of the dorky types of helmets either somehow he made it look cool. He was in blue jeans and boots with a black leather jacket on. His gaze followed hers as she drove by. She was instantly shocked back into reality as she drove past. Nothing but curiosity of who this man was lingered in her mind. She thought to herself I must write about him when I get home. The need to get him on paper and preserve his mysteriousness was imperative. It drove her all the way home and yet, while she sat in the garage after she parked the car she had to finish singing the song on the radio. Yet still she wrote about him the urgency it placed on her mind came before everything else. Who is he? Why did he have such a strong effect on me? Will I see him again?

Glimpse

Sometimes things don't always go according to plan. It isn't merely the disappointment of not getting what you expected but the loss that goes along with that disappointment. Things in this world can be great and often come from little things that surprise you when they expand into something you never imagined. There are times in life that you don't quite understand why things don't fit nor workout right. However, it is in only a moments glance back and the most beautiful things are seen. Looking back on what has happened you realize how great things are now from where they once had been. So if you are feeling glum and blue know this, that no matter what is happening now it will develop into something great when you glimpse back. Food for thought. Goodnight all.

In Rememberance of Thomas R. Wall Sr. & the Lives Lost on 9/11

Eleven years ago today I was sitting in my English class as the Principal told the teachers to turn on the televisions. Our English teacher had just turned it on as the second plane flew into the building. My heart broke for those lives lost that day. I wanted to go and help those people in any way I could. However, I was too young to do anything. It was at this point that I realized that there wasn’t anything I could do then but I was certain, at that exact point, that something worse would happen one day and that was when I would be there to help this time. Now I am going to college for my Psychology degree and I believe that one day it will help me in this specific situation.

Eight years ago today I lost my grandfather. He really had been lost a few days prior when he had a heart attack. His soul was already gone, but he was on life support. I will never forget the conversation with the doctors that we had to “pull the plug” it was the hardest thing for me to deal with as a teenager. Knowing you had to “kill” your grandfather by pulling that plug. However, I knew he was in fact already gone. I was able to cope with it because a few months before my birth he had lost my grandmother. I had seen him mourn her my whole life, like he had lost her yesterday, and I knew he would be happy to go home and be in her arms again. This helped me cope.

                I wonder if all these feelings will feel as fresh in twenty two years or sixteen years from now. It is hard to deal with the loss of so many American’s as well as the loss of someone who taught me how to walk. Still to this day if I smell Prince Albert’s tobacco and peppermints together I fondly think of him. This man taught me how to sew, walk, and appreciate the value of vinyl records. He also taught me about the value of a life. It had been many years since World War II had ended but he still mourned the loss of lives he was required to take. He spoke of them in a non-compassionate way but yet I knew better. He had told me that they too were like him and were just doing their jobs.

                My grandfather told me after he killed his first person in the war how he went back to his room that night and cried for having to take a life. I don’t believe that they young man my grandfather was had anticipated the all too real fact of taking someone’s life. It is nice to know that I feel like I knew him more than anyone else. We had a close bond that he did not share with everyone. People thought of him as cold and calloused. That he was just a grumpy old man. However, it was more than that. He had a rough life.

                This man mourned the loss of lives taken in World War II, he mourned the loss of the love of his life, and he didn’t understand how God could do this to people. Yet he did believe in God and did believe in heaven. He had been waiting sixteen years to see his wife again. I am not sure how he went on living without her. Probably for the fact that if he had killed himself he would not have gotten into heaven. I believe that this was the only thing keeping him going and waiting out his time on earth.

                Today in history eleven years ago we mourned for those people who lost their lives. Today in history eight years ago I mourned for my grandfather. The man who loved me without exceptions someone who taught me to appreciate an amazing glass of chocolate milk and how when you get old it’s ok to have vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup every night. Hahahaha I, of course, didn’t need any convincing of either. So today in history I mourn the loss of life on this day. Please don’t forget about those who lost their lives on 9/11.