Little pieces of me ♥

Irony at it's best: As a friend you are caring and willing to do anything for your friends. In pain and sickness you will help them because it is who you are. However, when the shoe is on the other foot there is no one to be found, excuses are made, lies are told, and in the end you are left with your God and your devoted other half. The nice thing to know is that it's all you need and even if one day that other half is gone your God will never be.

Pain & Suffering

Sometime I often ponder what is the point that God would put us through pain and suffering. These times, especially as of late, I question His purpose behind it all. However, during these times I pray to Him and ask for His help. I give my all to Him and yet I feel suffering in such ways. Yet I know this is not from my God this is evil work. Yet he does put us through these trials and tribulations for a reason. I can't wait until I find out what all these sufferings I've gone through are for. I am a helper of many, I know this is my purpose, yet I'm not quite sure why yet. Frustrating at times but it is in these moments that my faith helps guide me. Just thought I'd share a bit. So those going through similar situations as I please don't despair. There is a reason behind all things. Reminder of a lifetime :) May God be with you all.

Military Wife Life Blogging

             Shattered heart. Over and over again, every time he leaves. He does not do it on purpose no but he doesn’t yet understand how it feels. How can I explain it to him? How can I make him see that when he leaves I know he isn’t leaving me but the mere thought of being by myself in this house with only furry creatures to talk to is devastating. No amount of engulfment in any activity subsides this damaged heart, it is not broken because he was mean. However, it is nonetheless so very broken. Nothing rectifies this feeling my belief in God even doesn’t seem to help. You would think that this time would be better because it would be just He and I, one on one. Yet even though this is so nothing consoles me.

                Friends of little existence. Once you move three thousand miles away you are pretty much about a million times more than that from their minds. While you know they are busy and have lives too it still doesn’t hurt any less. You think of them and call, text, write, whatever it takes but they rarely get back to you. Soon you stop trying. While you attempt to make new friends here it isn’t the same. People here are so very different, most so very naïve, and you find little in common with their alcohol consumed free time.

Here is a little insight into what it means to be a military wife. Most people think military wives are a bunch of cheaters who don’t care for their spouses. While this might be true for some, for the spouses that are actually faithful it is pure agony. If you have ever felt loneliness such as this you would never sign up to be the spouse of a military member. While it does shed a true light onto what your marriage really is made of it is nothing short of easy. You are away from your friends and family. It doesn’t get any lonelier than that. Family rarely comes to visit because of the cost and you can’t afford to see them often because of the same reasons.

Getting a job well yeah that sounds easy enough right? Wrong. No one wants to hire a military spouse because they know that they are tied to their husbands. Plus let’s add on all the different varied jobs you have done to the dictionary list of what is now your resume and it looks like you are a flake. They say spouses get spousal priority on base but that has yet to be seen. So what do you do? Go to school, take out loans, and hope you can get a job at the next place you are stationed. In the meantime you strive to do amazing at anything and luckily school is just the place, now if only they paid you to go to school right?

                While traveling seems marvelous, and yes I do actually enjoy traveling, moving is a different story. They break all your stuff…well maybe not all of it but the things that you worked and saved for to get; or those precious memories that cannot be replaced. Yes they do give you a monetary replacement but it isn’t the same. While each new home you live in is special because of the location and the sights you may visit, it still will not be your own. It is a rare occasion that your landlord will actually let you paint the walls, but that is a very very rare occasion. If you get such a generous landlord HOLD ON TO THEM! What I wouldn’t do to have paint on my walls for once other than white….a bit of color even if it was simply a cream color.

                Another realization that people need to be made aware of is that being a military spouse is NOTHING like Army Wives. The wives I have come across in the Navy while most are alright and for the most part nice the rest are downright cruel and evil. You thought high school was bad just wait until you have to deal with other military spouses, it is no cake walk. You move somewhere new and it is supposed to be a community but so far all I have seen is “what’s in it for me” types of people. Volunteering trying to deal with deployments was a big mistake. I was expected to do my part not thanked for what I did contribute and if I didn’t do it right I was scolded. The whole part of volunteering is to feel rewarded by helping others not feel like it is a job that you don’t get paid for with all the benefits of the nagging.

                Volunteering for the military didn’t pan out so what’s next? Then it was off to volunteer for something through the church. Yes finally people who have been nice and thankful for what you do. Not that you really are looking to be thanked but just anything other than being scolded like a chile. It seems volunteering for the church is much easier the only problem with that is the fact that you might not be here long. Before this church here we had been to four other churches and they were all wonderful and that is the worst part about it. The leaving. You get attached and then move shortly after you can’t make commitments to do things because let’s face it who knows how long you will really be in this place. You feel like you have let people down and you are sick of feeling this way for nothing you have actually done.

                I strive to be the best military spouse I can be but let’s face it that is no simple feat. My husband works insane shifts and to be honest I would kill to have a smidgen of normalcy. I am so sick of never knowing his schedule or him always working night shift. Sure other’s might squeak by on what they can so they can go home to their families, but not my husband he will stay there all night because that is what he is supposed to do. I am glad I have a man that is honorable in that sense but sometimes I wish that he would be like everyone else trying to get what needs to be done finished so that he can just come home and see me.

                 I guess the reason I am writing this is not to complain, although I do quite a bit of it, but to vent and bring to light the realizations I have come across. Throughout this whole military life journey we have been on it has been nothing of what I expected. While this is quite a refreshing bit of insight it still is tiresome, lonely, stressful, and aggravating.

 I love my husband more than life itself but I just don’t know if I’m cut out for this military wife thing. I strive to be the best wife I can be and sometimes it just doesn’t seem like I’m doing a good enough job. I want to be a mother and I can’t even do that right. I feel so close but so very vastly far away from my husband and it is difficult. This life is no cake walk and while I thought I could handle it at first, I am not sure if I knew what it really was like I would have agreed to go along with it all. We have been married five years this next February and we have maybe only been together half the time.

I know that I will be alright but it is just some nights get tremendous isolated and I’m so very exhausted of getting no sleep that I often think and wish someone would have let me know how it really was. I hope that this wasn’t super depressing and I hope I didn’t make anyone angry this is just how I have seen things. I strive to be an honest person and I try my hardest to be the best human being I can be. I attempt to be a caring, loving, and sensitive person to all but we are all human it isn’t always possible but I would like to think that I really try to do the right thing always. I hope that those who know, knew, and will know me will see this and know that I care for you as I would like to be cared for. While I have yet to meet the person that treats me like I treat others I am hoping one day I will so far there has only been one and I rarely see him. Bless you all and I hope this finds each of you well.

 

Long dark road...

A woman driving lost in thought listening to the radio. She stopped at a red light waiting tediously for it to finally turn green as she drove towards home. Two cars in front, dragging to go, she wondered if they had been drinking. As she turned she saw a car. She heard it before she saw it, a Harley’s sweet purr, black and chromed out. It was gorgeous. Then she looked from the bike up. He was looking dead into her soul. His eyes pierced hers even from the distance between them. He was fair complected with blue eyes. How she knew they were blue she was unsure but certain. He had a sucker stick hanging out his mouth with blonde hair peeking out of his slick black helmet. It wasn't one of the dorky types of helmets either somehow he made it look cool. He was in blue jeans and boots with a black leather jacket on. His gaze followed hers as she drove by. She was instantly shocked back into reality as she drove past. Nothing but curiosity of who this man was lingered in her mind. She thought to herself I must write about him when I get home. The need to get him on paper and preserve his mysteriousness was imperative. It drove her all the way home and yet, while she sat in the garage after she parked the car she had to finish singing the song on the radio. Yet still she wrote about him the urgency it placed on her mind came before everything else. Who is he? Why did he have such a strong effect on me? Will I see him again?

Glimpse

Sometimes things don't always go according to plan. It isn't merely the disappointment of not getting what you expected but the loss that goes along with that disappointment. Things in this world can be great and often come from little things that surprise you when they expand into something you never imagined. There are times in life that you don't quite understand why things don't fit nor workout right. However, it is in only a moments glance back and the most beautiful things are seen. Looking back on what has happened you realize how great things are now from where they once had been. So if you are feeling glum and blue know this, that no matter what is happening now it will develop into something great when you glimpse back. Food for thought. Goodnight all.

In Rememberance of Thomas R. Wall Sr. & the Lives Lost on 9/11

Eleven years ago today I was sitting in my English class as the Principal told the teachers to turn on the televisions. Our English teacher had just turned it on as the second plane flew into the building. My heart broke for those lives lost that day. I wanted to go and help those people in any way I could. However, I was too young to do anything. It was at this point that I realized that there wasn’t anything I could do then but I was certain, at that exact point, that something worse would happen one day and that was when I would be there to help this time. Now I am going to college for my Psychology degree and I believe that one day it will help me in this specific situation.

Eight years ago today I lost my grandfather. He really had been lost a few days prior when he had a heart attack. His soul was already gone, but he was on life support. I will never forget the conversation with the doctors that we had to “pull the plug” it was the hardest thing for me to deal with as a teenager. Knowing you had to “kill” your grandfather by pulling that plug. However, I knew he was in fact already gone. I was able to cope with it because a few months before my birth he had lost my grandmother. I had seen him mourn her my whole life, like he had lost her yesterday, and I knew he would be happy to go home and be in her arms again. This helped me cope.

                I wonder if all these feelings will feel as fresh in twenty two years or sixteen years from now. It is hard to deal with the loss of so many American’s as well as the loss of someone who taught me how to walk. Still to this day if I smell Prince Albert’s tobacco and peppermints together I fondly think of him. This man taught me how to sew, walk, and appreciate the value of vinyl records. He also taught me about the value of a life. It had been many years since World War II had ended but he still mourned the loss of lives he was required to take. He spoke of them in a non-compassionate way but yet I knew better. He had told me that they too were like him and were just doing their jobs.

                My grandfather told me after he killed his first person in the war how he went back to his room that night and cried for having to take a life. I don’t believe that they young man my grandfather was had anticipated the all too real fact of taking someone’s life. It is nice to know that I feel like I knew him more than anyone else. We had a close bond that he did not share with everyone. People thought of him as cold and calloused. That he was just a grumpy old man. However, it was more than that. He had a rough life.

                This man mourned the loss of lives taken in World War II, he mourned the loss of the love of his life, and he didn’t understand how God could do this to people. Yet he did believe in God and did believe in heaven. He had been waiting sixteen years to see his wife again. I am not sure how he went on living without her. Probably for the fact that if he had killed himself he would not have gotten into heaven. I believe that this was the only thing keeping him going and waiting out his time on earth.

                Today in history eleven years ago we mourned for those people who lost their lives. Today in history eight years ago I mourned for my grandfather. The man who loved me without exceptions someone who taught me to appreciate an amazing glass of chocolate milk and how when you get old it’s ok to have vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup every night. Hahahaha I, of course, didn’t need any convincing of either. So today in history I mourn the loss of life on this day. Please don’t forget about those who lost their lives on 9/11.

People need to quit being Judgemental.

I'm so sick of every stupid person that says I am too young to have all that I have wrong with me medically! Don't you think I know that? Don't you think it doesn't upset me?! What is even more upsetting is the fact that I have to defend my own medical record........I DON'T WANT ALL THAT I HAVE WRONG WITH ME! IT ISN'T FAIR.......SO STOP TELLING ME I'M TOO YOUNG TO HAVE ALL OF THE CRAP THAT I HAVE WRONG WITH ME.....I ALREADY KNOW THIS!!! IT JUST ISN'T FAIR.......why would God let this happen? Why would he give me all this sickness.....I don't understand why I have to have so much pain and things always ending up wrong with me. For once I just want to be normal and happy and not in pain. I just want to have no more pain....I want this stupid kidney disease to go away. BUT GUESS WHAT it won't. I have it for life and now I have to watch every medication I take for all the other crap that is wrong so it won't mess up my kidneys more. The wonderful base doctors love to never check and make sure that I can even take the medication...they don't care. They all say the same thing "you are too young"....my future kids can have it...and that is if I can even have any b/c of the other medical stuff that is wrong with me. IT IS NOT FAIR AND I'M SO SICK OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I'M TOO YOUNG TO HAVE ANYTHING LIKE ALL THE CRAP I HAVE WRONG WITH ME. I KNOW. I'M NOT MAKING IT UP OR LYING. I WISH IT WERE AS SIMPLE AS OVER EXAGGERATION BUT IT ISN'T. IT IS FACTUAL. A very sad and unfortunate fact. One that upsets me every day. So when you want to sit and judge me remember that little fact. I have a lot of issues medically and I am not making it up. Please be decent enough people to understand that I wish it wasn't true..................but it is. I am so sick of worrying about what will happen every year that I age. So when you keep saying I'm so young...remember I am so young to have all this crap to deal with and it has made me very old at heart and it pains me to hear people judge me and say I'm lying. I just wish it was all a lie. I wish I didn't have any of this crap wrong with me. Everyday I wake up and pray I won't get a migraine. Everyday I wake up and pray that I can have a child of my own who won't have all this crap in their genes....so please everyone quit judging those that you don't know. Think about how someone might feel if they are young with any sort of thing wrong with them. It makes their life that much worse b/c they are young and have to deal with things like this. It isn't fair to me, it isn't fair to anyone.

Rid the World of It's Selfishness

Selfishness. Why does everyone today have this one thing on their mind always...themselves? Whatever happened to the world that use to always helped others out and treat others like you want to be treated. What happened to that kind of mentality? Today as unfortunate as it is we live in a society that is willing to throw you under the bus at any cost...this is sad fact of reality. I dislike having to be an eyeopener but sometimes people just need a huge reality check. I speak what I say in truth and I have come to this realization that apparently many are too blind to see. If you say you will do something then do it...if you want the world to be a better place then help improve it. Don't stand idly by while it goes to ruin. If you dislike what is happening be a change towards something new don't let other's rule you. I speak this honesty today so that those around me will open up their eyes and take off their rose colored glasses. I mean come on people how blinded by yourself can you truly be?! How blinded by lust and debauchery can one get to a point that they no longer understand the world as it is. As I sat here today speaking with my husband I came to the strong realization that no one in this world really has a true friend. I'll say it again no one has a true friend. Why do you think this is that we are all merely acquaintances? Is it because we care of no one more than ourselves? Or perhaps it is because you are all confused on the conception of what a true friend really is. Who knows. All I know is what I have to say needed to be said and that those around me may not like what I have to say but I can't sit idly by expecting change. I can't sit idly by and do nothing and want to see a difference when no action is taken. These are the thoughts running amuck in my mind today. Hope I shed some light on what today's world is really like.

Sweet Dreams & Hectic Days

Sometimes you wonder when will life start settling down so you can rest...who's with me? Well the sad thing is it won't...life will never settle down. We shouldn't want it to either. When we stop living life and enjoying every hectic moment of it is when you know that you have stopped living. Enjoy the good with the bad because without those you would never know what greatness is. This are the thoughts of a wondering one AMers insomniac mind. Sweet Dreams and Hectic Days :)

Thank God For Idiot Drivers :)

To me driving is kind of like putting my mind on autopilot unless I am in a hurry of course :) Well on the way home from base tonight it was one of those kind of nights click...it's on okay yup the person in front of me is driving like an idiot but hey whatever I'm heading home. Someone was pulled off to the right with the blinker flashing right after a huge curve not very smart but we easily avoided them because it was late.  The thought flashed through my mind and probably the driver in front of me as well if they needed help. We each slowed down a little not quite going the speed limit. Then I checked back in the rear view a few times and saw they were back on the road nothing seemed wrong. I figured they must of pulled off to take a call since you can't drive and talk on the phone here. Even though it was probably the worst possible spot to do so...heading down the hill now five over the speed limit. My car got a little ahead of itself so I decided to slow down when WHAM out of nowhere I see a doe run in front of my car I slammed on the breaks and swerved to the right so I wouldn't hit her. Mysteriously enough the car passing almost at the exact same time missed her as well. My heart is still thudding in my chest. The thought of just a few seconds earlier or later and it could of ended badly. It is amazing to me how God works...those things that annoy us like "the idiot drivers" or that "evil red light" that made you late there is all a reason behind it. My mom said later "Your front end of your car would of been totaled" I continued to tell her "Mom that's what insurance is for and I don't care about my car any way I'm just glad that deer didn't die". I continued to thank God for not letting me or that other driver hit that deer. Not to mention I probably would have been a hot mess of tears for killing Bambi's mom! People have been severely injured from hitting deer or trying to miss them. Not to mention who wants to think about those poor little Bambi's in the woods all alone. At least I know that there is one tonight who has their momma :):) 

Thank God for Husbands :')

Overwhelming. The understatement of the last two weeks. Time has flown by at an endless speed never slowing down. Sleepless. Stressful and filled with an empty misery. I know that it happened for a reason but yet it still hurts. Painful and empty inside. My brain can't wrap myself around what is happening between life that is going on and where I've ended up, at a stopping standstill. I don't want to eat or sleep or when I do sleep I just want to sleep forever. Everything takes forever for me to accomplish and thought processes are quite difficult to complete. I've got too much on my plate entirely and not nearly enough people to support me through this time but the one light at the end of the tunnel is my amazing other half. He is supporting me. He is happy with the decisions I am making. Even though we are far apart he is making a very conscious effort to support me through this really hard point in my life. I am so thankful for the man that has stepped up to hold my hand. There are sooo many words that I could use to describe the many ways he has been there for me. I think that tonight we had one of the best conversations, understanding wise, that we have had in such a long time. I feel like he really understood how I felt and where I was coming from. I am so grateful God put him in my life :) I am also so glad that He is helping him understand where I'm coming from at such a trying time. For now this will be one of the last blogs for a lil bit until I get my bearings. I hope everyone else is having a blessed new year so far....

Blogger Fans lol...

Unfortunately I will not be able to get on here much. I am just SWAMPED! I'm taking three eight week courses this semester and it is kicking my butt already! I am pretty sure my life is now over...I've given it up for a Master's in Psychology and now all I'm going to have time for is papers oh and yeah more papers too by the way! I am however loving it so far...I'll get back to you when finals roll around in 7 weeks... Hope this all finds you loving your busy hectic lives as well. Talk to you all soonish...I HOPE! :)

"Normal" the Word of the Month

It is quite perplexing to me that a very slim number of people are actually true to themselves. What is even more perplexing is when someone actually genuinely surprises me. I suppose it is because it does not happen often. In times like those moments I truly love humanity. That rare moment that people just shock you to your core. I often wonder what it would be like if people were not so worried about their outward appearance but yet focused on their inner uniqueness. If everyone was their own person and quit trying to be someone they were not suppose to be how great it would be. I am quite sick of people being disingenuous and always trying to please people. I wonder why I do not fit in, in most situations, I am always the odd man out even in an even number. However, I am starting to embrace my inner uniqueness more and I think people are uncomfortable with this. No one can accept that I have no hidden agenda. I know it is a hard concept for people to wrap their heads around but it tis true. Relish. This is the word that comes to mind when I think of those rare few who shock me to my core. Embrace. Is what we all need to do...just grab hold of whatever it is you love doing and express yourself! Live. Quite worrying about what others think and live your life and love doing it your way not some way that some person thinks it should be done. Lately I have been hearing a lot of people speak about normal. Guess what guys?! Everyone's perception of normal is different it is all what you each perceive it to be which is vastly different. Societies standards often have a perception of what is right but guess what else....... They do not know what normal is either. Normal is what you think it should be! If you think it is normal to walk around singing everywhere you go then you would think people quite odd if they didn't do so as well. If you are quite and reserved and you hear people being bousterous and causing a ruckous you would find them far from normal. Who caressssssssssss. Do what you want to do. We only live once and some us will be leaving a lot sooner than some others so why not do what you love. Live today for you not for others. Embrace your own "Normal". Much love to all you "Normal" people! 

Great Day Blogaholics

Today had an awful start but after I finally sort of woke up I got a lot done! What a progressive day..I love getting things accomplished. I saved us from spending a fortune on a bill that I shouldn't have to pay for...gotta love how someone will try to screw you over on your utilities because they think people don't read their bills! Got to go to my linguistics class and learn a lot of interesting stuff...altogether I have enjoyed today. I'm not looking forward to all the homework I'm about to have to do this week I'm thinking Wednesday is looking quite wonderful meh. Off to try and sleep since I got none last night. Goodnight blogaholics <3

Dreams are ever frightening what do they mean?

My grandpa and I live together. There is a part of me that feels somewhat happy I suppose. The oddest thing is he is dead in real life but very much alive in this dream. He is the one taking care of me at the same time he is my caregiver but yet not because I am myself. We must of been living near an airport. I was looking outside to see what was going on there was chaos everywhere. Huge planes were just dropping out of the sky like flies spinning out of control and crashing. At first I just saw the one plane and that was it then I saw others. I rushed to wake up my grandfather because walking out of all the chaos and flames were this white robots that looked kind of like the ones of star wars. There were people with them too who held guns. I saw them coming toward our house and I ran towards my room. I grabbed my grandpa on the way and told him to grab all his guns which is odd because I'm pretty sure growing up he didn't have any. We got to my room and I used my 9mm on the human guy but of course it jammed. I continued to try and shoot him numerous times. Each time leading to a failed shot somehow. For some reason I knew there were more guns but I didn't use them I'm not sure why. Then something strange happened my grandpa was gone not from dying not from anything in particular he just wasn't in my dream anymore. I talked with the guy he seemed nice but on his back on his left shoulder he had this weird piece of something in him with digital numbers and a weird spike thing in the middle. I said something about it being the end of the world because he was marked or something strange like that. The place that was where we were living turned into a school somehow and the room we were in was a school. There were lots of characters all of which I have no idea of why I would dream of but mostly women. At first we all tried to elude them and came up unsuccessful. Then we tried to escape our confinement one girl even tried to sleep her way out of the situation with sleeping with that human guy. I tried to escape through the ceiling and they didn't get how I got up there. Each room of the school was slowly being captured I guess. There were huge strange slides everywhere with people being tossed down them. There was this massive very odd looking elephant multicolored and I believe it was like a fruit chew but massive and it ate the children. I was jumping on the railing of the stairs and sliding down as fast as possible the opposite direction of this giant elephant thing. He was going up and I was going down and I think he heard me because he was heading after me. I was really scared of said giant weird elephant. There was a little boy on the slide his parents were there which was odd since it was a school he was saying he didn't understand what was going on they said they would see him soon. Even though we all knew they wouldn't. A priest who was kind of like the principal was going around giving people his blood and bread blessing them. He was truly scared you could feel it emanating from him. They were on my heels at every second no matter where I turned to. I am not sure what happened after the priest it gets fuzzy but I was really frightened and then I woke up.

Funny, Interesting, or Cool you decide...

It is quite interesting how far my blogs reach as gone over the good ole Internet...quite interesting indeed. Thank you for those who take the time to read what I have to say. For those who know me personally they know I live to have a voice and a say in life whatever it may be. However, for those who don't just know that I am glad that you too hear me through my writings. I hope that where ever you are at in your life and whatever you are going through this finds you and helps you through your current situations. Today has been quite a long day but I just wanted to give everyone a much needed thank you for hearing me. If you could all let me know what you think of each post not necessarily in a comment but in the remarks on if it is funny, interesting, or cool that would be wonderful. I hope everyone has a wonderfully fantastic amazing day and if not there is always tomorrow right? :)

Broken friendships litter our past struck down and left as scars on our souls

     It is sad to think that there are not true people in the world anymore. It is hard to believe that people think that someone would do something kind just merely to benefit themselves. It is sad to believe that they can't see someone as just doing a good deed and trying to be a nice person. Why do we all think the worst of people? We probably all think the worst of people when we are trying to figure them out...is it because we too were judged as if we were one of the worst people spoken of? No that is not why, we think this because there are so many people who have hurt us. Broken friendships litter our past struck down and left as scars on our soul.
     This reality is frightening. It is truly scary to know that we can't move onto true friendship with anyone due to what those in the past have done to us. We seem to think that we won't let those past relationships scar us like they do but we tend to always judge straight from the scar record book. It is like taking all your worst scores compiling them into one and using them as a basis to start from. When we shouldn't be doing this at all but the exact opposite. We should be compiling all our best scores and taking the topmost one and using it as a way to judge that starting point.
     Yet even using this method it can lead you astray right? Sometimes we think we just need to be wary and settle on middle of the road. Yet should we really? Should we just settle? It seems everyone else has, they don't hold anything up to any standards anymore not low nor high. They all just toss it where it may land and hope for the best. If something comes out of it great and if not who cares right? Well to go about life this way with friendships is the worst possible way to view it. You will only be let down and disappointed even if you thought you weren't holding them to any standards you still are subconsciously.
     We should all try and hold our future friend relationships to that higher standard. Don't necessarily settle if they don't add up but don't fold in your cards either. People need to realize that in order to be a great true friend they need to treat those around them as they want to be treated. I know that this a day old concept handed to most people by their mothers when they were little. Honestly though is it really that far from the truth? I know I personally want that one person who knows when you are down, sick, or just need a night out to de-stress. That person who is a caregiver to you as much as you are to them. The one who wants to help you just for the pure pleasure of making someone happy. Who doesn't expect anything from you or think that there is ploy behind every kind gesture.
     Perhaps there is a small ploy behind our actions but it is only the pure and simple act of us teaching others the art of true friendship. We mold people in our lives every second of every day. We hope for the best of the friendships we encounter. Even if they don't last remember that whatever does happen will leave a scar that someone else might have to face. Do you want to be apart of the lower or higher score record book? I personally would like to be the latter. So if you ever find yourself thinking why are they doing something this nice? Don't think it is because they want something from the person whom they are being nice to. Yet think of it as they are simply and purely being genuinely kind. Quite an odd concept I know but it is one to live by for those future record books. Don't scar those around you but set the bar.

Patiently Waiting

     Waiting it is an eternal thing you will have to do all your life. Yet still we do it even though every single one of us hates it with a seething passion. It is one of those inevitable things you have to deal with throughout your lifespan. Some of us take it with much patience while others nearly none I fear that I am the latter. We all try to deal with it and evolve our patience into something more manageable because in the end we wait for everything. Wait in traffic on our way to work. Getting a coffee. We wait for the one machine at the gym to open up so we can use it. We wait on hold...my biggest pet peeve. We wait in line at the gas station to fill up.
     No matter where you go in life chances are that you will be waiting to get there. The most favored place of waiting for the average every day American is the Airport. We arrive two hours early to wait in line to check in. We wait to check our bags. We wait in line to go through security scans. We get there early only to wait for our flight. I mean really this is the place that we pretty much are guaranteed to make ourselves wait the longest periods of time. Once we go through the chaos of waiting to get in the secure area we wait further for our plane to come. Most of us arrive entirely too early but we know that if we don't we will miss our flight in lieu of waiting to get through check ins and security checks.
     Why do we torture ourselves through this nonsense which most of us have such an extreme animosity towards? I suppose it is because it is inevitable. We know that no matter what in life we will have to wait most of the time. If you added up all the times you have waited in life imagine how many years you have spent doing so. For most of us its the one thing that draws us closer and closer to loosing our patience, eh hem..myself. However, we still deal with it and move on. If only all things in life that were inevitable were viewed as such. How much easier would we go through things if we knew it was something that was just as it was.
     If we all assumed all things were like waiting we would all still have a little less patience but maybe some underlying acceptance of what was going on. Of what exactly was to come because deep down we predict this ever looming waiting but we still seem to act as if it won't happen today. If only we all could view other things in this same light and when it happens maybe grow in our patience. I hope that if you are reading this you are understanding somewhat where I am coming from if not I'm sure you thought I was a rambling fool. However, here's to fools, rambles, and patiently waiting :)

PKD and Mental Remedies

Sometimes things in life shouldn't be this hard. I hate being a complainer because I use to be one all the time until one day a good friend of mine opened my eyes. However, sometimes you just have to let it out. Like seriously should life be this hard...all the stress no wonder I have health issues. I just have no one to talk to who will ever understand exactly what I'm going through health wise. It isn't something that will just magically go away because I eat differently and it isn't something that I did to myself. I WAS BORN THIS WAY. As much as it sucks to say it I have accepted it and yes it really sucks having to deal with all the crap I have to deal with. No one can get it and if you say you do well guess what you don't because unless you have everything the exact same as I do then maybe just maybe you can. It really frustrates me that people want me to explain or I just try to because it is stressing me out and they treat me like some kind of freak. Or they just try to be ridiculously positive it is sickening. I can't do anything about it I am trying to do better but when you get so bogged down with just trying to keep yourself afloat and you don't get a chance for yourself it is so tiring. I don't believe anyone can really understand that but God and I truly try to do my best in every situation but sometimes it is just so hard.

Only 61lbs more to lose! haha...

So after a long 5 days straight of working out I decided to take last Thursday off and planned on starting back working out on Friday however I decided to have a few friends over since it was finally Friday...Saturday morning rolled around and I ended up walking a little over a mile and a half and biked like 1.3 miles...I'm still getting use to my medicine which has me feeling all kinds of funky..gotta love that right?! However, after the 5 days straight I had lost 9lb...I was shocked!!!! Epically excited and so proud of myself. I am not sure if I will lose it quite as quickly b/c once you hit 10lbs it kinda slows down after that. Hopefully that isn't the case...but even if it is I am feeling a little better mostly. Except today my kidneys were hurting really bad but I still ended up working out. I was able to exceed my previous reps and do ten more in a few areas...some still need a little building but eh if I keep at it I'm sure it will get better. I just am going to have to take this process slower than I thought b/c of all the health crappola going on. I get so tired so easily and dehydrated really quickly not sure why but I've gone through so much water its ridiculous! Any who I know this is prolly a very boring post but I am trying to hold myself accountable by posting since I said I would. Hopefully I can reach my weight goal one day of losing 70lbs getting back to my doctors reg weight for my height. I'm so sick of them calling me obese its not even funny. So I'm going to count it 10lbs at a time...so only about 61 more pounds left to lose woo hooo....wish me luck and prayers!!!  Thanks lovelies!

P.S.-Pray for my aunt's mom Maw Maw White she is having surgery tomorrow...Thank you everyone!

The key word is Patience...

So much went on today and I just wasn't in the mood at all to work out...I'm sure you know those days when you want to just sleep and be a fatty. However.......I finally was able to talk myself into doing some working out...gah I'm going to be even more sore tomorrow but I am so way proud of me. I learned how to sign "patience" today and really that is what I need to learn, it will take some patience on my part to see what I want to happen. Whew God has an amazing way of teaching us how to be a better us...I can't wait to see how I grow physically and spiritually while working on myself inside and out...Hopefully I do it all right...this post is short and sweet but I'm posting after all right?? ......until next time.

Day two sore and bruised :/

Day two not as accomplishing as yesterday but hey I did some yoga so I didn't feel dreadful for not doing anything. Tomorrow after my ladies group I'm going to do more of the stuff from day one...and possibly more yoga to help me stretch the soreness away..I feel so much better after stretching it all away...now to bed before I die! Goodnight blogging lovers!

1 of 60.....Pure Hysteria

So today was the first day that I officially started working out due to migraines all weekend and the calendar says to start on a Monday :) So I've decided I am extremely out of shape...all the months upon months of feeling dreadful have led to my lack of activity...so the warm up today well lets just say it was more of a workout for lil ole outta shape me! But hey you have to start somewhere right?! All I have to say is after the warm up and half way through the fit test I thought I was going to die. The doc told me today to not over do it b/c I am having some other health crappola going on so I decided the sound of my heart pounding through my chest about to explode was my hint to say that was enough for today. Eventually I will be built up enough to do more and more and eventually...hopefully soon lol...I will be able to finish the warm up and fit test hahahaha! I'm laughing at myself the whole time doing this absurdity b/c I spent it thinking what...why would you do this to yourself?! I'm hoping to see improvements though! My doc...and yes I said doc b/c this lady is a real live actual doctor and not a PA put me on new meds b/c apparently the old meds make me gain weight..wonderful right?! So I'm hoping these help and don't make me gain anymore...ehh we shall see...and doc said that she is going to do a ct scan on my head Thursday to figure out what is up with the astronomical amount of migraines I've been getting..which if that gets fixed I will be in a lot better mood and more likely to workout woo hoo...I'm so stoked...now lets see if I feel the same tomorrow when I wake up feeling like I got hit by the Titanic.

I wonder why it's called Insanity?

So my husband has forwarded the Insanity work out to me and I have printed all the bazillion pages of it with menu's and exercises and what not. I am going to attempt to do it..I am starting working out regular this week and next Monday I will be following the set schedule. I believe that even if I attempt it I will lose weight it is hard knowing that the cards are already stacked against me :/ people with PCOS have twice the difficulties of losing weight than those who are just regular Joe schmoes. Add that to migraines and feeling like poo half of the month I hope it will all go okay. However, if it will provide results for regular ole Joe's in 60 days I suppose it will definitely provide results for me in 120 days :). I figure it can't make me feel any worse, right?! I just wish I knew what kool aide to drink to get the work out bug. It pains me to see all those who are constantly seeing results, most loosing baby weight, and for me I know I will never see results like that. I am happy for them but it really just bites a big one that I got jipped basically with the whole weight thing. I mean I have never been skinny at all but I guess I wouldn't be me if I was. I just want to be able to fit back into my prom dress from Junior year. I'd like to be a happy 130-140lb range. All together I know that if I can achieve my goal I will be the happiest person alive. I am always trying so hard to work out and seeing no results working out my way sooooo hopefully with a set work out schedule I will be seeing progress. I'm going all out this time by taking measurements from pretty much everywhere to see if I lose even a millimeter of an inch anywhere! Maybe once I lose a bunch of weight I'll post them but I'm not that brave yet haha! I'm also going to break down and buy a scale I never wanted to get one because I thought it might depress me but hey maybe its evil glare will make me want to work out. I taped up the calendar to my mirror so every day I have to look at it which will pretty much be mocking me if I don't do the workouts. I am going to also try my hardest to blog every day and keep people up to date with my little mission of weight loss. I hope that blogging about it will also keep me accountable and perhaps tell myself how well I am doing :). I've got the meals all picked out we shall see how easy it is to buy all the food for it hahahaha...my poor poor pocketbook is going to hate me..I've been trying to save money since charlie's been gone by buying cheap crappy food but no more! I need to lose weight not gain it while he is gone...gah not to mention Thanksgiving and Christmas didn't help. Eeek I'm excited/scared to start but I hope everyone will cheer me on to get it all done! Thanks everyone for your future support..not to mention I thank myself for putting my first foot forward.

Hidden Treasures

Today we went exploring in Coupeville, WA who would of guessed that it had so much character? The only reason I really wanted to go out there was to show my mother this place called Knead and Feed they have to most amazing breakfast!!! Sadly though we were past time for breakfast so it was my first time enjoying their lunch, let me tell you their fresh baked bread is wonderful! Since we were there and my mother has yet to journey far due to our insane snow last week it was quite fun. We checked out all the little shops and found out about a ton of small town upcoming events! Who knew that such a tiny town could be full of fun treasures! I encountered a dutch shop were I stumbled upon a pair of stud spider earrings, quite elegant looking, I fell in love! Who says you have to wear stuff like that just in its season? As you all know I am into jewelry making and I found a bead shop in tiny Coupeville and it was pure bliss! I didn't think that there would be so many options and at a feasible price. So much to my pocketbooks dismay, but my happiness, I will be making tons of new necklaces and earrings soon! So all you fellow Washingtonians check out Coupeville it is so quaint! If you are in Oak Harbor due to Uncle Sam sending you where he sends you fear not there is a lot to do in this tiny Island! With breathtaking views and beautiful scenic drives you will miss this place once you leave it behind. I will write you all later with more adventures of our tiny and unique Island! Let's just say that I'm in love with this place even though we have made sacrifices, such as a real Walmart, it is well worth living here!



Spread like wildfire, Donate for life, Invoke a Revolution of Caring

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes time stands still and I wonder how I will handle the inevitable...will I struggle or hold strong and true. It makes me angry to see others throw their lives away. Toss their health to the side like it isn't a gift. They put chemicals and all sorts of unhealthy things into this blessing that God has given them. They have children with no thought of those children's future, they care nothing of them only of themselves and their current pleasures. While others only hope of a blessing of a child in their lives. While others wait hooked up to machines for a hope of a life worth living not restrained by mechanical means. To be free of everything like those who throw their lives away. Yet there are a short few who care...these few care for those around them and make sacrifices so others may have a shot a what we would call "normal". They donate literally a part of themselves to help another with no care of gain. It pains my heart to see others throw their lives away. It pains my heart to see those who care so much be stretched so thing because they can only help but a few. If only everyone were to give what the don't need away of their bodies once they are gone what a world we would live in. Perhaps I am a bit bias, perhaps this is just me being a bit angry at the hand I've been dealt. Or just maybe it is me trying to be heard in a sea of selfishness. Just maybe it is my way to explain to the world how the other side feels to be hindered fearing the inevitable of what is to come. It is scary to see those around you so strong crumble under the weight of an illness. It is so hard to see those who you admire for their glorious ability to hold it all together have a hard time to cope with what they have been dealt. I wonder will people I know say this of me when it is my inevitable time to pray and hope I can make it through with a strong faith? Or will they say look at how she held it all together...look at how she made those around her aware. I hope that it is the latter. I hope that one day someone will be able to look at me through all the chaos and say she did it. She made those around her aware and it spread like wildfire. I want to invoke a revolution of caring to make those realize how precious your life is and how others are withering away. Make a stand and help those around you. Donate for life.